Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve reached the age where I randomly yell things like “manifest!” because the word I forgot 15 hours ago has finally come to me.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Friends are people you don’t need to explain your jokes to, family are people you apologise to for your jokes.

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

Mammals for $500 Alex

“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”

What are sloths?

“Wrong, What are coworkers”

*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?

If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…

It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.

Shut the hell up.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album