ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
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Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn