Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?

The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*

life lately

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.

Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

3% human
97% stress

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying