Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have super vision

professor x: oh?

mom: stop talking to strangers

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

[interview for waiter position]

Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”

Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.

A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.