Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
You Might Also Like
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle