Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.