Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL

* hangs up land-line *

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on

I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s

daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit

me: heh what else could it be

daughter: [leaves]

me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be

When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.

I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.