Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
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Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.