ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
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As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.