Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.

JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

Chief Exec: Any Ideas?

Writer 1: Talking Animals!

Writer 2: How about a Princess?

Writer 3: Kill the parents!

-Brainstorming at Disney

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up