Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

Guy who likes music

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later

Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers

Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.