Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

my feed is like:

ANIMAL CROSSING

eat the billionaires

we are all doomed

ANIMAL CROSSING

gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’

ANIMAL CROSSING

we are gonna die

ANIMAL CROSSING

*sharpening guillotines*

ANIMAL CROSSING

ANIMAL CROSSING

SOCIALISM NOW

ANIMAL CROSSING

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

They’re called werewolves.

What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…

…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river