Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.