Attention children:
Mom is closed.
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Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Kermit goes Blue.
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
😂🖐️
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“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.