Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

Fixed this for Shakespeare

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.

Just how popey was the pope today?

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻

liiiiiiiiike

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.