Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.