Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”

God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]

Beatles were all like “We love women.”

Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”

hmmm

I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

What I say: hold on with two hands

What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea