Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!

wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink

I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

Netflix and Will…

…you stop trying to touch me?

mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*

Boss: stop damaging the office walls!

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!

*cooks on front burner of the stove*

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

Maybe there is no baby

I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams

Now I’m hungry.