Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad

That’s easy for you to say

[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”

my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders

Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”

My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.