Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”

“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*