attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
yea so i messed up lol
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.