attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Realizing that someone else will be in charge of this shitshow is really a selling point for demon possession
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it