Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Boss: You’re fired

Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*

Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”

Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.