Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Whenever someone asks me if my dog is adopted I respond with, “no, she’s biologically mine.”

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

*at swingers club*

me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?

*racks the chamber*

It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?