Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it

Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.

I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level

Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

found a horse’s reddit account

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.

Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.

Doctor: This is serious!

Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.

Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.

Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.

As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit

Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”