ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
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My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Come back with a warrant
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
dutch is not a serious language
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us