Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien

Amazon’s checkout needs a breathalyzer feature which cancels your order if you’ve been clearly drunk-shopping.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”

ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.

them: our youngest is 73 months.

me: what’s that in human people years

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

The Assassin.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”