Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?

me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.

9: MOM!

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

TRAIN’S HERE

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1553530789526179845/pu/vid/854x478/M1O9d8duDjSk802k.mp4?tag=12

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

[the city, seeing a marching band]

DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

ME: i’m 6

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.

Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?

The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

seminar…

Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*

My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.

We are a joint family.

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod