Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
me: *gets something in my eye*
brain: put your finger in there too
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar