Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
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No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?