Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
You Might Also Like
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
When I said I liked it rough.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.