Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!

Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?

You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.

No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”

what is this, a family reunion?!

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

🛁

[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?