Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

What do you call clean German cabbage?

Shower-kraut.

#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way

Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.