Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Thinking about Jeff
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road