Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
You Might Also Like
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
What makes us human?
Selecting all images with traffic lights
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?