Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
My dream job is getting paid to dream
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.