Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.
But other times, I’m sleeping.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
Oh, I bet you would be
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see