Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
You Might Also Like
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Only you can prevent podcasts
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen