Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

“why is millennial humor so weird?”

it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed

math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass

me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?

math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit

me:

math teacher:

me: i don’t- is that going to be enough

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

agent: *getting tortured* do your worst

villain: why would i do that

agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough

villain: i’m always doing my best

agent: i know. you’re doing great

villain: thanks

“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”

– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.