Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
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Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
i prefer mine room temperature.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️