Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!

Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!

Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.

My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them

I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

Beware of the “party goblin”…

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Pretty much! 😂👀

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

medium: so you want to contact your wife

me: I can still hear her voice

wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin

me: it’s like she’s watching me

wife: [through window] I forgot my keys

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants