Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
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Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
My dad.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.