Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.

Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…

Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.

wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

Camel dough

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“

Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Digital security in Ancient Troy

I wish we were cats so you could just randomly slap co-workers for no reason

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Me: it’s time to go to sleep

3: Nope, I don’t think so

Me: who asked you?!

Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy

If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.

anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

There’s no “u” in narcissist

(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?