Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
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[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary