Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

[Name origins]

Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.

Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.

Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

starting conversations with short people by saying “back when i was your height…”

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!

Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?

2: I eat it.

Well that escalated quickly.

Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?

*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?

“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?

Him: No

Me: So you’re a liar?

Him:

Me:

Him: Nice yoga pants

Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.