Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
You Might Also Like
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones