ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.