Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.

Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

the last thing a carrot sees

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.

VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}

PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!

CIA AGENT: Get me more water!

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

“Who’s your favorite vampire?”

“The one on Sesame Street.”

“He doesn’t count.”

“I can assure you that he does.”

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.