@StoneAgeRadio13

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

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@DaddyJew

Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?

Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*

@Shock_Monster

Why do Asian people never seem to age?

I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.

@CornOnTheGoblin

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

@SnarkyMommy78

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

@XplodingUnicorn

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

@krisv_723

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

@AndrewNadeau0

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@RoosterMustache

ME: snakes are mean

TEACHER: right

ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs

TEACHER: ok

ME: so the ends justify the mean

@Mrs_JGplus3

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.