what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
You Might Also Like
Trainer: have you been sticking to your diet?
Me: *tries to mumble yes but a chicken wing falls out of my mouth*
Why do Asian people never seem to age?
I met a chinese girl today & I estimate her age to be somewhere between 4 & 197.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
ME: snakes are mean
ME: but it’s not their fault. They have 2 ends & no legs
ME: so the ends justify the mean
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.