Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

this is the best day of my life

If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

[blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..

…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:

“This isn’t for me.”

Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.

My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”

Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone? ⁣
⁣
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh⁣

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.