Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine

Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it

Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.

I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

I’d love this…lol

Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Always be yourself…

Unless you run into one of your exes…

Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants

Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.