Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
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Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude