3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
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Oh my god
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
I’m a bad influence on myself.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order