ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Dammit Chief not again
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
it takes so much energy
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.