ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families.
Do their families get a say in this?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district