Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
they should create new variants of dopamine
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?