Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!