Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.