Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Can confirm.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
logging onto twitter…
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.