Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?

*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list

adds you to my “No” list*

Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me

“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING

There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.

My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”

The 70’s called. They built a time phone.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”

“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”

People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.