Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.