Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

My whole life was a lie.

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

🙁

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

United Steaks of America

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

Amazon Tracking:

1. We’re not sure it exists.

2. Your package has arrived.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.

Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.

When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack