Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.

I disagree with my politics

Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.

It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.

her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?

*holds out hands*

Me: I brought you a box of donut.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon

Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.