Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

waiter: what would you like?

me: maybe the steak

waiter: and what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have the steak too

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!

A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.

My maternal instincts have never been so confused.

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

*Heaven*

God: you may ask me 1 question

Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?

God: what?

Me: I wanna write loud numbers

Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…

She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites

Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?

Me: The ham expires tomorrow.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.

Hope that helps.

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”