Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese

I contain multitudes, Elizabeth

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.