Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

Got him!

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

me: okay, thank you!

boss: thank you more!

me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.

boss: what

me: what

I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra

Cute

*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

My son asked if there’s such a thing as fire tornados and I said I don’t know, and he looked wistfully out the window and said “I sure hope so” yeah man fingers crossed

it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet