ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
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*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
he looks great for his age
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.