Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.

Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

ㅤ

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.

-inspirational tweet

“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…

My hypnotist is not a quack. I have never googled my hypnotist. My hypnotist has not stolen from me.

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have