Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Me: You a good personal trainer?

Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.

Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.

Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.

Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.

HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over

ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?

Dave: Death!

Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.