Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Psychologist: what is the issue

Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.

Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare

Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂

me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table

waiter: white or red

me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers