Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Alexa, make me look good naked.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

[5 min into first date]

Her: I have a pug named Piglet-

Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*

Ain’t no way

My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.

Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT