Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!

If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

[writing Jurassic Park 2]

Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT

Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-

Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.

I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”