💁🏻♂️
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ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet