So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation
Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.
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I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[sees girl reading The Bible]
“Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.”
Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.
5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.