Attractive people, have the decency to leave news and comedy to the rest of us.

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So far I’ve gained 20 pounds of pure muscle. It used to belong to pigs though, and something got lost in translation


I bet “Fifty Shades of Grey” won’t make that much money because most of the people who want to see it are tied to a bedpost.


*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”


I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.


[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


honey, i think the milk’s gone bad

“i only bought it yesterday”

yeah well, look at this..

*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*


[sees girl reading The Bible]
“Ah I love that book. The way they just *clenches fist* buy all those frickin bulls.”


Me: when I grow up I’m going to be an astronaut.

5 year old daughter: you’re already grown up. You’ll be dead soon.