Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’

*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*

The cashier just checked me out.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

I don’t think my car can fly

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.