Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Sunday

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX

One job that doesn’t exist but definitely should is Shoe Complimenter. They’d walk around town saying nice things about people’s shoes (e.g. “Lovely shoes sir. They look good”). But sadly we live in an uncivilised society so the government refuses to fund this much needed role 🙁

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.

Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.

they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!