Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.

[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]

Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.

Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.

…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

I hope your spoon slides into your soup

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?

NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not

ME: I’m getting to that

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok

My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”

And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….

Keep moving.

Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

Möther may I have a snäck

Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.