You know what doesn’t cry? Birth control
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?
Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Dear Grocery Bagger,
Please don’t put dryer sheets and bread in the same bag.
My kids don’t like peanut butter & Spring Meadow sandwiches.
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
It would be fun to be on a hockey team on a road trip just be a guy in constant pain who never graduated grade nine in a hotel trying to figure out how to plug your ps4 you packed in a suitcase into the tv
ME: *opens planner and puts on reading glasses* no im sorry looks like i can’t make it
FRIEND: you’re holding a VCR warranty brochure
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?