Don’t be part of the problem. Be the ENTIRE problem.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
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Dear Alcohol, we had a deal. u were suppose 2 make me funnier, smarter & put me in a good mood…. I saw the photos – we need to talk.
2007 social media: wow connected with an old friend from high school
2017 social media: the cheese smoked gouda is linked to racism
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?