Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me

4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.

English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

These apps are getting out of control.

There I was, laying on a slab of rock in an ancient temple about to be sacrificed by a cult and they have the audacity to ask me to download their app and rate their sacrifice experience.

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.

Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids

I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool

“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…