Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together

Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

Titanic passenger: iceberg

Titanic chef: no its romaine

Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!

Chef: oh no!

Passenger:

Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?

POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:

Quite off your apples

Jumping the night train to Milan

Sequin queen in the salad bar

Lickin’ with the wrong parts

Giddy-nope!

If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup

Flamingo laws

Stoplight the conference call

Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler

[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax number

Fax:EEphkEekakischchEEek

Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”

How’s your morning?

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends