Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options

Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

My five stages of waking up:

1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Proof that kids sometimes listen…

5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?

Me: I’m dressed

5: Those look like pajamas

Me:

5: Did you brush your teeth?

Me: Yes

5: Let me smell

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.

Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.

Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

I’m sure it’s fine.

My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”