oh my god, i need this to be me in 20 years
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.
I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.
It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good