ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

You Might Also Like


Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.


I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.

It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.


ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person


No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.


Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds


*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*


The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.


cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good