@Ristolable

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

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@Sarcasticsapien

Even though my dad is a Trump supporter I let him borrow my car because I’m a good person. I mean, I’m going to report it stolen, but still.

@Dirty_Naomi

I sleep with a knife under my bed in case I can’t open my midnight snacks.

It also comes in handy if people try to steal them.

@thereal_becca

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

@EmissaryKerry

No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.

@junejuly12

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

@ItsAndyRyan

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

@LeonEarlgrey

The guy who created Virgin airlines probably didnt go to high school otherwise he would have called it “shes probably lying airlines”.

@PleaseBeGneiss

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good