ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
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Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
…..pretty much.
When you’re Kinky but poor
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you